Cheating can help a marriage – experts

Having an affair can help a marriage – that’s a view echoed in media every time a celebrity’s affair is exposed either by the mistress or media.

The latest turmoil is being faced by Auckland mayor, Len Brown, whose mistress exposed their two-year affair within a week after he won the second term in the office of New Zealand’s most populous city.

Among the many reactions expressed in media, a central theme was to leave the mayor alone, so that he could deal with his personal crisis.

Similar views were shared after the Tiger Woods affair, and the most recent  Weiner affair.

Cheating can help a marriage and relationship, says Dr. Drew Pinsky. In his CNN interview after the Weiner affair became public, Drew said: “I’m not saying that what Weiner did was OK. But let’s allow him to get his personal life in order. That’s what the priority is now.

“His marriage can be saved. With treatment, he and his wife can end up in a relationship that is stronger, and better, than ever. ”

The Browns of New Zealand have shown similar faith in their relationship.  While Len Brown’s wife did not make a public statement, one of his daughters, Sam Brown, expressed solidarity with her father. “We stand by our father today more than ever before.”

While having an affair with married women, or married men, create ripples in social circles, these extra-marital affairs are very common.

Some dating websites like Ashley Madison even provide a safe environment for having an affair discreetly.

The website with 20 million users around the world, goes with the advertising line: “Life Is Too Short. Have An Affair”.

The site promises to help married men and also women who have lost the spark in their marriage.

“Before you knew it you were on the Internet with a wandering eye, looking for cheating partners and women to have an affair with to bring that happiness and excitement back into your life,” says the website.

The site shows some interesting insights into the modern world of cheating.

“You might believe that affairs are typically engaged in by middle to upper class individuals who have good jobs, a family life, and are financially stable, but the truth of the matter is that cheating does not discriminate.

“Typically, people who are seeking cheating partners have found their lives to be stuck in a rut or found their personal happiness buried somewhere along the way of their home life.

And internet is playing a critical role in this. “Long gone are the days of working late and having an affair with the office secretary.

“With today’s technology the ability to have a discreet emotional or sexual affair is at your fingertips.”

But why do people have an affair?

“The image that I have is like someone who has been wandering around with a couple of empty wine glasses who suddenly meets someone with a bottle of wine,” says Mira Kirshenbaum, who has counseled couples for 30 years, and has shared her experience in her book, When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships.

“It starts very innocently. And it feels wonderful because it was a line they were hungry to cross. But it also feels terrible because they know it’s cheating.”

“If you don’t want to divorce, this is a way people cope. They have the illusion that no one will know.”

Should you confess if you are cheating?

Mira has a strange advice for cheating spouses with a strong feeling of guilt and an urge to confess. Don’t!

“Because how does it make a person less guilty to inflict terrible pain on someone? Which is exactly what the confession does.”

Mira goes a step ahead and claims that an extra-marital affair is actually good for a marriage.

“I really thought that affairs were fatal for relationships, but they’re not. If the person who has been cheated on has a talent for forgiveness and the cheater is truly sorry — this is one of the surprising findings — many, many people are able to use the affair as a wake-up call and end up so much happier with a relationship that gives them what they need, instead of just being on automatic and pretending that everything’s O.K.”

Who is having affairs?

• Over 50 million married men in the United States are currently cheating on their wives. (Source: Ashley Madison)
• About 50 percent of cheating husbands have multiple affairs.
• About 10 percent of cheating husbands say their marriages have absolutely nothing to do with their cheating.
• More than 50 percent of cheating husbands never admit to cheating.
• About one-third of husbands say they never feel guilty about cheating on their wives.

How to know if your husband is cheating?

• The number one signal that a husband is cheating or on the road to cheating is him spending more time away from home.

Why do husbands cheat?

• Not even 10 percent of unfaithful husbands say they cheat because they’re predominantly unhappy with their sex lives.
• Just as surprisingly only about 10 percent of cheating husbands say their wives’ appearance is the number one cause of sexual dissatisfaction in the relationship.
• Again, about ten percent of men say their mistresses are better looking or have better bodies than their wives.